By Terri Ammirati, LCPC
There was a betrayal in your relationship, but you’ve decided to work through it and rebuild trust. We’re sharing steps on how to heal from betrayal trauma, including open communication, accountability, clear boundaries, and professional support.
Key Takeaways
- Betrayal trauma can result from a significant breach of trust and may affect you both emotionally and physically.
- Betrayal looks different for every relationship and can include affairs, secrecy, financial dishonesty, or violations of agreed-upon boundaries.
- Healing starts with acknowledging what happened and allowing yourself to process difficult emotions rather than avoiding them.
- Rebuilding trust requires open communication, accountability, clear boundaries, patience, and consistency from both partners.
- Professional support can help couples navigate difficult conversations, address underlying issues, and work toward healing together.
Betrayal trauma is the deep psychological pain you feel when someone you depend on for love and safety breaks your trust in some way. There may be different types of betrayal—emotional, financial, or even family-related.
When a breach of trust occurs, your body can go into protection mode. As the betrayed partner, you may start questioning your own instincts, judgment, and even whether you can trust yourself. As the partner who betrayed, you may feel immense guilt and remorse for the pain you’ve caused.
If you’ve chosen to stay together and repair the relationship, know that healing is possible. You’re not alone, and there’s no shame in seeking support—you’re both actively choosing to work on your relationship.
What Does Betrayal Look Like?
Betrayal can look different for every couple. It happens when someone violates the boundaries or agreements of a relationship, which can vary from couple to couple.
Sometimes, these agreements can differ between individuals as well, and violations can occur when these “rules” haven’t been explicitly discussed.
In monogamous relationships, examples of what can be considered betrayal include:
- Physical or emotional affairs
- Secret conversations with other people
- Hiding or being secretive about significant aspects of one’s life
- Financial betrayal or secrets
On the other hand, in consensually open relationships, examples of what betrayal could look like include:
- Reaching out to or keeping in touch with someone considered “off-limits”
- Violating communication “rules” regarding other partners
- Practicing unsafe sex and putting other partners’ health at risk
- Developing stronger feelings for someone when it was agreed to keep it casual
Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma causes effects that are felt not just psychologically, but also physically, as your body can at times go into “protection mode” in response to the intense distress you’re experiencing.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma include:
- Intense feelings of anger or rage
- Grief and feelings of sadness
- Anxiety and hypervigilance
- Self-blame or feelings of shame
- Sleep and appetite issues
- Racing heart and panic symptoms
- Concentration difficulties
- Loss of trust
- Isolation or withdrawal
How to Heal Betrayal Trauma Together
If you’ve decided to repair your relationship, know that healing is possible—but it requires consistent effort and a commitment to addressing the underlying issues that contributed to the betrayal.
So, here are a few tips on how to heal betrayal trauma:
1. Acknowledge what happened
We know it’s incredibly difficult to face what happened instead of avoiding the pain, but no healing can happen without coming to terms with it.
The truth is, you can’t erase what happened. So, even if you try hard to forget it, those memories may suddenly resurface in your day-to-day.
Acknowledging it is the first step to explore the root causes of the betrayal and begin healing.
2. Communicate openly
Both partners need to practice open, judgment-free communication about their views, emotions, and concerns. It’s important to discuss what happened, why, and how each of you felt about it.
3. Take accountability
The partner who betrayed needs to take accountability for their actions, recognize the pain they caused, and show sincere regret.
Initially, this can involve genuinely apologizing as many times as necessary, as well as being completely transparent and consistent moving forward.
4. Set clear expectations and boundaries
There should be discussions about what each of you needs to feel secure and safe. Setting clear expectations and boundaries can prevent future violations of trust or misunderstandings.
5. Be patient
Repairing your relationship takes time. Trying to accelerate the healing process can do more harm than good. So, give each other space to heal in your own time and gradually rebuild trust and confidence.
6. Accept difficult emotions
Much like acknowledging the betrayal, avoiding the distress caused by it may seem easier, but it can make these emotions more challenging to process in the long run.
These emotions are natural responses to betrayal trauma. Allowing yourself to feel and name them can help you develop emotional awareness and understand how to cope with them.
7. Seek professional support
Recovering from betrayal trauma and repairing your relationship may be easier with the help of a qualified therapist.
This process can involve difficult emotions and conversations that can easily derail without someone to mediate, guide, and keep things from getting heated.
If you’re ready to rebuild your relationship and move forward, we’re happy to help. Feel free to reach out to us or get started with a free phone consultation here.
FAQs
How long does betrayal trauma take to heal?
There is no fixed period of time in which you should be able to heal from betrayal trauma, as it depends on factors such as the circumstances of the betrayal, its impact on you, and your support network. As such, healing can take anywhere from months to several years.
What are the 7 stages of betrayal trauma?
The seven commonly described stages of betrayal trauma are similar to the stages often associated with grief, although grief is more commonly described as having five stages.
It’s worth noting that these phases aren’t linear—you can experience more than one simultaneously, move between them, or not experience some at all.
That said, the seven stages of betrayal trauma are:
- Shock: Disbelief; can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response
- Denial: Difficulty accepting the betrayal
- Obsession: Consistently searching for answers, analyzing the same details, trying to make sense of everything
- Anger: Intense bitterness or resentment to protect from the pain
- Bargaining: Attempting to excuse or rationalize the behavior and believing there’s a way to magically repair the relationship
- Depression: Intense sadness, desperation, and grief over a relationship that once felt safe
- Acceptance: Acknowledging what happened and rebuilding trust
What triggers betrayal trauma?
Common experiences that can trigger a betrayal trauma response include:
- Being near specific locations linked to the betrayal
- Smells, sounds, or visual elements that serve as reminders of the betrayal
- Sentences or comments that remind you of past gaslighting
- Secretive actions or defensiveness
About the Author:
Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Gottman Therapist, and the founder of Ammirati Counseling Group.
With 30+ years of experience supporting individuals and couples through relationship challenges, she brings both clinical expertise and the wisdom of real-life experience to her work.