By Terri Ammirati, LCPC
The Gottman Trust Revival Method is highly effective in helping couples recover from infidelity. It has three phases: Atone (accountability and apology), Attune (emotional reconnection), and Attach (rebuilding trust) to guide partners towards a healthier relationship.
Key Takeaways
- The Gottman Trust Revival Method is an evidence-based approach for healing after an affair, structured into three phases: Atone, Attune, and Attach.
- Atone focuses on accountability, sincere apology, transparency, and rebuilding safety through openness.
- Attune rebuilds emotional connection through empathy, vulnerability, active listening, and consistent emotional communication.
- Attach restores trust and intimacy through consistent positive actions, shared rituals, future planning, and open communication about emotional and physical needs.
- This process is more effective with the support of a certified Gottman therapist, who can guide couples through difficult conversations and reduce conflict.
When infidelity occurs, it causes a significant breach in trust that can leave both partners feeling hurt, hopeless, and overwhelmed. It’s completely normal to wonder whether healing is even possible—or whether it’s worth the pain to try.
But here’s the thing: infidelity doesn’t always happen because of lust or lack of love. It may be a symptom of deeper relationship issues or unmet needs. In some cases, it can also stem from individual trauma unrelated to the partner or relationship.
This means recovery is possible if you work through whatever issues led to the affair. And luckily, there’s an evidence-based intervention designed specifically for that: the Gottman Trust Revival Method.
Is It Possible to Heal From An Affair?
Absolutely. That said, it’s rarely easy. Recovering from a significant breach of trust takes real effort and time—often years.
Still, it is possible. The Gottmans found that around 75–80% of couples experienced successful recovery after undergoing affair treatment, even after one year.
What Is the Gottman Trust Revival Method?
The Gottman Trust Revival Method is a three-phase process designed to help couples heal after infidelity. It offers a structured, research-based framework to guide both partners.
The three phases of the Gottman Trust Revival Method are Atone, Attune, and Attach. So, let’s dive into each one.
1. Atone: Taking Accountability and Apologizing
The first step in healing is taking full responsibility for the affair—to atone. While saying sorry is important, it must be supported by genuine remorse, empathy, and consistent actions.
Be there for them
The partner who had the affair needs to be emotionally present, listening to the betrayed partner’s pain and acknowledging the impact of the betrayal.
Apologize sincerely and show accountability
Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough on its own. The betrayed partner needs to see full accountability through genuine regret, ownership without excuses, empathy, validation, and transparency about what happened—ideally with therapeutic support to reduce conflict.
No more secrets—everything is on the table
Rebuilding trust often requires full transparency, including answering questions and, when necessary, sharing access to relevant information (i.e., messages, schedules, finances) to help restore a sense of safety.
While this may feel intrusive, it can be an important step in helping the betrayed partner believe that trust can be rebuilt.
Be open to forgiveness
While the partner who had the affair must take responsibility, the betrayed partner also plays a role by remaining open to forgiveness, patient, and willing to engage in the healing process while acknowledging the effort being made to repair the relationship.
2. Attune: Vulnerability, Emotional Safety, and Reconnection
The second phase of the Gottman Trust Revival Method focuses on reconnecting, deepening understanding, and rebuilding emotional safety and intimacy.
Here, both partners acknowledge relationship difficulties and commit to working through them while ensuring each other’s needs are met.
Dr. John Gottman defines attunement as the desire and ability to respect and understand the whole of who your partner is.
Empathy and active listening
The partner who had the affair must actively listen to their significant other by taking in their feelings, validating them, and genuinely trying to understand them.
Show vulnerability
Vulnerability is crucial for healing to happen. The partner who had the affair must be open about their fears, pain, and hopes for the future. In turn, the betrayed partner must be willing to listen without shutting down or becoming defensive.
This process may be painful, uncomfortable, and slow, but lasting healing happens when you’re able to be vulnerable together and emotionally close.
Reestablish emotional security
To gradually rebuild emotional security, there needs to be transparency, honest communication, respectful conversations, emotional consistency, and clear boundaries.
Set time daily to reconnect
Every day, set aside time to talk about how your day went and reconnect with each other emotionally.
3. Attach: Rebuilding Trust, Intimacy, and Connection
The final phase focuses on restoring trust through consistent actions and strengthening the emotional and physical intimacy you began rebuilding during the Attunement phase.
Create new connection rituals
Shared activities like meals, deep conversations, or quality time together help rebuild connection. It takes time for intimacy to rebuild, and it requires consistency.
Small, but consistent actions matter
Consistently performing positive actions that show love and respect—no matter how small—can gradually help rebuild trust after betrayal. Honesty, transparency, and consistency are essential throughout the process.
Envision the future
Creating a shared vision for the future, including goals, values, respect, needs, and mutual support, helps build a healthier connection together.
Talk about intimacy
Regular conversations about sex (e.g., feelings, preferences) and physical needs help rebuild closeness and understanding, even if they feel uncomfortable at first.
Open communication about desires and boundaries is key to a healthy intimate connection.
Why You Should Try the Gottman Trust Revival Method in Therapy
Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman Trust Revival Method is based on decades of relationship research and has helped many couples recover from infidelity.
However, it’s important to note that the process is often more effective with a certified Gottman therapist who can guide difficult conversations and reduce conflict.
At Ammirati Counseling Group, we support couples navigating infidelity using the Gottman Method couples therapy. Research suggests this approach can be significantly more effective in supporting affair recovery than standard treatments, with success rates as high as 75%.
FAQs
What is the Gottman Trust Revival Method?
The Gottman Trust Revival Method is an evidence-based intervention with three phases: Atone, Attune, and Attach. It’s a structured process designed to help couples rebuild trust after infidelity while creating a renewed sense of commitment, intimacy, hope, and trust.
What are the 7 steps to rebuild trust?
Rebuilding trust after an affair takes time, consistency, and effort. Some important steps include:
- Actively listening to your partner’s emotions
- Showing empathy and validating their feelings
- Asking what’s necessary to prevent a relapse
- Taking full accountability for your actions
- Apologizing sincerely and showing genuine remorse
- Practicing open and honest communication
- Engaging in behaviors that demonstrate trustworthiness
What are the four behaviors that cause 90% of all divorces?
According to the Gottmans, the four behaviors—also known as the Four Horsemen—that can destroy a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
How to rebuild trust, according to Gottman?
Trust is rebuilt through three phases: Atone, Attune, and Attach—taking responsibility, rebuilding emotional safety through communication and vulnerability, and restoring intimacy through consistent, trustworthy actions.
About the Author:
Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Gottman Therapist, and the founder of Ammirati Counseling Group.
With 30+ years of experience supporting individuals and couples through relationship challenges, she brings both clinical expertise and the wisdom of real-life experience to her work.