By Terri Ammirati, LCPC
The Gottman Method for infidelity helps rebuild relationships that have been damaged by broken trust. Backed by decades of research, it follows a structured, three-phase approach with a high success rate among couples who are committed to working together to heal and create a stronger foundation for the future.
Key Takeaways
- The Gottman method for infidelity follows three stages—Atone, Attune, and Attach—to help couples heal after an affair and rebuild trust.
- Recovery begins with creating emotional safety, taking responsibility, and understanding the underlying causes of the affair before deciding how to move forward.
- Healing requires complete honesty, transparency, and consistent efforts to reconnect through everyday interactions.
- Healthy conflict management and dedicated time for difficult conversations can support the healing process.
An affair can be extremely traumatic and significantly disrupt trust in a relationship. It can cause profound pain and hopelessness, leaving couples wondering if it’s even possible to recover from infidelity.
In an initial phase, affair recovery isn’t so much about deciding whether to fix or end the relationship. Instead, it focuses on stabilizing the relationship and tending to the wound—that is, creating emotional safety and gaining a deeper understanding.
Repairing a relationship after an affair takes an enormous amount of effort, time, and energy—but luckily, it’s possible to heal through the Gottman method for infidelity.
Is Our Relationship Worth Repairing Through the Gottman Method for Infidelity?
Infidelity can be a warning sign that one or both partners may not be ready for a committed relationship—even after years together or within a marriage. However, that isn’t always the case.
Through the Gottman method for infidelity, we can provide a questionnaire that will help you determine what’s best for both of you: mending or ending the relationship.
Some of the questions that can help you decide include:
- Are you genuinely interested in making things work?
- If not, are you certain you’re ready to end the relationship and leave your partner?
- As the betrayed partner, do you feel you’ll be able to let go of anger and resentment and move forward eventually?
- Can you imagine having a happy relationship together despite what happened?
A Gottman-certified therapist can help you navigate these questions and facilitate productive conversations without letting them escalate into conflict.
So, if you’ve decided your relationship is worth repairing, how can the Gottman method for infidelity help you move forward together?
How the Gottman Method for Infidelity Works
The Gottman method for infidelity is grounded in the Trust Revival Method, which is a structured, three-phase approach to support couples who are trying to heal from an affair and rebuild trust.
The three phases of this approach are:
Phase One: Atone
This phase is about creating the conditions needed to begin healing. This means ending the affair completely, with no further contact with the third party and complete transparency.
The betrayed partner also needs space to process their emotions (e.g., anger, grief, obsessive questioning). The partner who had the affair must tolerate those emotions and sit with that discomfort, acknowledging the pain they’ve caused.
Phase Two: Attune
The attune phase focuses on understanding why the affair happened—not to assign blame, but to uncover what needs to be repaired.
Infidelity can sometimes stem from deeper issues, such as unmet needs or feeling undesired or emotionally invalidated. Exploring those underlying problems is essential to rebuilding the relationship.
Phase Three: Attach
In this phase, you work together to rebuild trust and strengthen your connection.
The goal isn’t to return to the relationship as it was, but to create a whole different one where you choose each other every day and build a stronger partnership.
5 Steps to Move Forward Together After Infidelity
If you want to tackle this issue head-on but are unsure of what to do, here are 5 steps you can take today to support your relationship.
1. Set aside time
Set aside 30 to 60 minutes a few times a week for the difficult conversations. Having dedicated time to discuss trauma, grief, anger, and unanswered questions helps prevent those topics from taking over everyday life.
It also benefits both partners: the betrayed partner knows there’s always space for their questions, while the partner who had the affair knows these conversations won’t consume every moment together.
2. Be completely honest and transparent
The partner who had the affair should answer questions honestly and provide the information needed, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Vague responses or answers like “I don’t remember” can deepen distrust and leave the betrayed partner feeling like they have to piece the truth together. Transparency is essential to rebuilding trust.
3. Recover the small moments first
It may not seem like it, but small, everyday interactions help maintain connection in a relationship. At first, they may feel awkward or forced, but they can gradually rebuild closeness.
Simple gestures like morning greetings, bedtime check-ins, or a thoughtful text can make a meaningful difference over time.
4. Manage conflict
While deep communication may require a therapist’s support, you can still practice small techniques to reduce conflict:
- Using “I” statements to express your feelings without criticizing your partner (e.g., instead of “You always…” try “I feel hurt when…”)
- Try Gottman’s “softened startup” by beginning conversations calmly rather than with criticism
- Use Gottman’s “repair attempt,” which focuses on using humor, affection, or other ways to defuse tension during an argument
5. Seek a therapist
Professional support can make affair recovery much more manageable. Honest conversations about the affair and the relationship issues surrounding it are difficult to have without blame or defensiveness taking over.
A qualified therapist can guide those discussions, helping you communicate constructively and work toward healing together.
FAQs
What is the Gottman method for infidelity?
The Gottman method for infidelity is based on the Trust Revival Method, a three-phase approach that views betrayal as a traumatic event:
- Atone: Taking accountability and responsibility
- Attune: Understanding what may have led to the affair
- Attach: Rebuilding intimacy, trust, and shared meaning
Successful healing through the Gottman method for infidelity requires emotional safety, honesty, and patience.
Can a marriage truly recover from infidelity?
Yes, it’s absolutely possible to repair a marriage following infidelity. Many couples make the decision to stay together and mend the relationship after infidelity.
However, bear in mind that it requires transparency, commitment, and often professional support to effectively heal, rebuild trust, and strengthen your relationship.
When to end a relationship, according to Gottman?
According to Gottman, you should consider ending a relationship in cases such as:
- Emotional or physical abuse
- Persistent patterns of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—with contempt being the strongest predictor that a relationship may be beyond repair
About the Author:
Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Gottman Therapist, and the founder of Ammirati Counseling Group.
With 30+ years of experience supporting individuals and couples through relationship challenges, she brings both clinical expertise and the wisdom of real-life experience to her work.