By Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Some of the couples I care most about don’t fight at all. They’ve been together for decades and still like each other, and they feel lonely in their marriage anyway. If that’s where you are, you’re not doomed, and you’re not the only ones.
Key Takeaways
- Feeling lonely in marriage is often the result of a slow drift rather than a single crisis.
- Couples who still like each other and want to find their way back are some of the most hopeful couples I see.
- Gottman-based couples therapy, especially a couples intensive, helps you learn to hear each other again.
I’m Terri Ammirati, founder of Ammirati Counseling Group in Deerfield, Illinois. Much of my work as a Certified Gottman Therapist is with long-married couples who have drifted apart, often through intensive Gottman couples therapy.
Why Couples Drift Apart
Most lonely couples can’t point to the moment it started. In the Gottman world, it happens as a slow erosion over time. Careers get demanding, kids take every spare hour, and unless a couple keeps making time to stay mindful of each other, it drifts. I describe an affair as rough seas, where everyone can see the storm. These couples are out on calm seas, drifting in a little canoe.
They don’t know how to find their way back, and they don’t know how they got there.
What Loneliness in Marriage Looks Like
- You talk about logistics and little else. Schedules, kids, bills, and the house fill every conversation.
- You live parallel lives. You share a home and a calendar, but you rarely share what’s going on inside.
- You avoid hard topics to keep the peace. One of you quietly handles a disagreement alone instead of raising it.
Over time, couples drift into two separate lives even though they’re still living in the same world, and the loneliness that follows is profound. Many look at each other and wonder whether to keep drifting. They don’t want to, and they don’t know what else to do.
Most Drifted Couples Don’t Want to Separate
When a couple has drifted this far, separation is often the next idea that comes up, and most of the time neither person wants it. They want the relationship they had in the beginning, and they’ve lost the map back to it. These are some of the most hopeful couples I see, because when we find their pain point, they don’t attack each other for it. They both want something to make it better.
How Couples Find Their Way Back
The first goal is for each of you to be heard. You may see things differently, and as you start to hear that, you begin to appreciate and care for each other again, because you both deserve to be heard.
From there we use Gottman tools like the softened startup, a gentler way to bring up something hard, and we rebuild what the Gottmans call the friendship system: daily check-ins, appreciations, and small bids for connection. John Gottman is famous for saying that it’s small things often that improve the quality of a relationship. Distance builds by a thousand paper cuts, and repair happens by a thousand band-aids.
You’re also the experts on your own life. It’s the couple who defines the path, and my job is to help you get where you want to go.
Why a Couples Intensive Fits Drifted Marriages
When a couple has been drifting for years, an hour a week can feel like a slow drip. A couples therapy intensive gives you two concentrated days, starting with a Gottman assessment, so we get to the source of the distance. In my clinical experience, two intensive days can move a couple as far as six to eight months of weekly sessions.
It’s the beginning of the process. The climb back can take a good long year, so we follow up a week later and again a couple of weeks after that, and some couples continue with weekly couples counseling or our Art and Science of Love Workshop. If busy schedules pulled you apart, you may also like how Gottman therapy helps busy couples, and if you’re tempted to wait until after the holidays, read when to go to couples therapy.
Take the First Step Together
If you’re lonely in your marriage and you both still want this relationship, that’s a good place to start from. You can schedule a free 10-minute consultation with me or call our Deerfield office at (847) 217-9381, and we’ll figure out together whether an intensive or weekly sessions fits where you are.
FAQs
Is it normal to feel lonely in a marriage?
Yes. Many couples feel lonely in a long marriage, especially when careers, kids, and busy schedules pull them into parallel lives. Loneliness is a signal that the relationship needs attention, and it doesn’t mean the marriage is over.
Can a marriage recover from growing apart?
Yes. Couples who have drifted but still like each other often do very well in Gottman couples therapy, because they both want to find their way back. The work focuses on hearing each other again and rebuilding small daily moments of connection.
What is a couples therapy intensive?
A couples therapy intensive concentrates therapy into two days, 5.5 hours per day with a 30-minute lunch break, instead of weekly hour-long sessions. At Ammirati Counseling Group, an intensive with Terri Ammirati begins with a Gottman assessment and focuses on the issues that matter most to the couple.
Should we try weekly couples therapy or an intensive?
Weekly sessions fit couples who need adjustments and steady support. An intensive fits couples who have been struggling for a long time or whose schedules make weekly sessions hard. A free consultation can help you decide.
About the Author:
Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Gottman Therapist, and the founder of Ammirati Counseling Group.
With 30+ years of experience supporting individuals and couples through relationship challenges, she brings both clinical expertise and the wisdom of real-life experience to her work.