By Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Every year around this time, couples tell me on the phone that they’re probably fine to get through the holidays, so maybe they should wait until January. This is what I tell them.
Key Takeaways
- If you’ve thought about calling a couples therapist, that thought is telling you something worth listening to.
- Relationship problems rarely shrink on their own, and waiting usually means more to work through later.
- The holidays can go better when you invest even a little time in your relationship now.
I’m Terri Ammirati, a Certified Gottman Therapist and founder of Ammirati Counseling Group in Deerfield, Illinois, and I’ve been in practice since 1995. Holiday hesitation is one of the most common reasons couples put off couples counseling or intensive Gottman couples therapy, and in my experience, waiting rarely makes the work easier.
The Call Itself Is the Signal
If you’ve thought about calling a couples therapist, that thought is telling you something isn’t comfortable and you need something. I always tell couples to honor that. Usually one or both of you has been carrying something for a while, a distance you can’t quite name or the same argument on repeat, and reaching out is the first time you’ve said it out loud.
Why Relationship Problems Don’t Wait for January
I’m a word picture person, so think of it like going to the doctor when you don’t feel well. You can tell yourself it will pass, and most of the time the hurt is still there when the calendar clears.
The pain in your leg isn’t going to go away. You’re just going to find ways to pretend it’s not there.
Couples do the same thing with each other. You skip the hard topic at dinner and get very good at being polite, and the problem keeps growing underneath. The longer you wait, the more there is to work through when you finally sit down together. I wrote about this for The Gottman Institute a few years ago, and I still believe that “we should call for help early, rather than let hotspots get out of control.”
There’s Always a Road Back
Couples who wait often start to feel hopeless, so I want to be clear that there’s always a road back. Waiting changes how steep it is. When a couple has been drifting for years, I tell them plainly it’s a vertical climb and it takes a while to get back, which is the best reason I know to start sooner.
Time Doesn’t Find You. You Have to Find It.
The holidays are packed with travel, family, school events, and year-end deadlines, and that’s the reason couples give me most often for waiting. I tell every couple the same thing: time doesn’t find you, you have to find it. We only have 24 hours in a day, and when we put the big rocks in first, the important things, other things do fall into place.
Sometimes that decision is part of the healing. When the partner who never has a free hour says, I’ll find the time for this, the other partner hears something they’ve been waiting a long time to hear.
Why the Holidays Might Go Better If You Start Now
Couples often worry that therapy will stir things up right before a stressful season. The holidays might go a lot better. A first conversation, an assessment, and a plan can take the edge off the gatherings and travel you already know are coming, and it might be kind of a relief to stop carrying it alone.
When Weekly Sessions Aren’t Enough
If holiday schedules make weekly appointments hard, or the hurt has been building so long that an hour a week feels like a slow drip, a couples therapy intensive can help. I compare an intensive to surgery and weekly sessions to chiropractic adjustments. You get two concentrated days, starting with a Gottman assessment so we know exactly where to focus.
In my clinical experience, two intensive days can move a couple as far as six to eight months of weekly sessions. I never promise outcomes, and an intensive isn’t the right fit when there are safety concerns or an affair that’s still going on, so we’ll talk openly about what fits you.
What to Do This Week
If you’ve been going back and forth about calling, take that as your answer. You can schedule a free 10-minute consultation with me or call our Deerfield office at (847) 217-9381, and we’ll talk about whether weekly sessions, an intensive, or our Art and Science of Love Workshop makes the most sense. If family gatherings are part of the stress, our post on handling the stress of holiday gatherings has more ideas. It’s worth the intake, it’s worth the time, and the season ahead might feel a lot lighter because you started.
FAQs
When is the right time to go to couples therapy?
The right time is usually earlier than couples think. If you’ve noticed the same arguments repeating, growing distance, or the thought of calling a therapist keeps coming back, that’s a good time to start. Small problems are easier to work through before they spread.
Is it a bad idea to start couples therapy during the holidays?
No. Many couples find that starting before the holidays makes the season easier, because they have tools and a plan for the stressful moments. If weekly sessions are hard to fit in, a couples intensive concentrates the work into one or two days.
How long does couples therapy take?
It depends on the couple and how long the problems have been building. Some couples need a few months of weekly sessions, and couples who have drifted for years may need a year or more. An intensive can shorten the early phase by concentrating the work into two days.
Do you offer couples therapy near Deerfield, IL?
Yes. Ammirati Counseling Group is in Deerfield, Illinois, and works with couples across the North Shore and Chicagoland. Couples who don’t live near a Certified Gottman Therapist can also come to us for an intensive.
About the Author:
Terri Ammirati, LCPC
Terri is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, a Certified Gottman Therapist, and the founder of Ammirati Counseling Group.
With 30+ years of experience supporting individuals and couples through relationship challenges, she brings both clinical expertise and the wisdom of real-life experience to her work.