How to Talk to a Teenager: 3 Effective Strategies for Parents

By Skyler Kociuba

Knowing how to talk to a teenager can feel like walking a tightrope—wanting to connect, but not wanting to push too hard. As they navigate a whirlwind of emotions, changing relationships, and the search for independence, even simple conversations can become complicated.

If you’re feeling unsure of how to reach your teen without causing distance or conflict, you’re not alone. Here, we’ll share 3 effective tips to help you build trust, improve communication, and support your teen through these pivotal years.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk to Teenagers Sometimes?

The teenage years are fraught with challenges and change. Whether it’s the shifting social landscape, a biological change in hormones, or the search for autonomy and individual identity, adolescence can feel like a spinning freefall—grasping for anything to regain control and balance.

During the teenage years, teens are going through a multitude of changes, and with that comes heightened emotions. During this time of their lives, teenagers are searching for independence, while also trying to handle really strong emotions without the skills that help us do so, as this is the time these skills form.

With all of this going on in your teenager’s life, a lot of the time parental interactions are viewed as a necessary annoyance at best. With this being said, there are ways to make your interactions less painful and, dare I say, worthwhile and enjoyable, even from the teen’s perspective. 

Common Communication Mistakes That Make Teens Shut Down

While the list of communication mistakes we make as humans can be endless, there are a few common mistakes that adults make when talking with their teens that can really put an abrupt halt to productive communication.

Let’s look at 3 common mistakes you might be making when trying to talk with your teen:

Poor timing

During a time in their lives where teens struggle to regulate emotions, a bombardment of questions post-school or during a teen’s “me time” tends to lead to a lash out or a total shut down. Times such as car rides after school, after practices or rehearsals, or during a time when your teen is preoccupied with homework, videogames, etc., may not be the best time to have an in-depth conversation. Instead, choose a time when your teen is less distracted.  

Not being willing to explain why

Oftentimes, as adults, we get caught in the “Because I told you so” mentality; however, as teens mature and formulate their own opinions, it is important to be willing to explain the rationale behind “why”, to create open communication and give your teen a sense of autonomy.

Being distracted

There is very little that is more dismissive when communicating with someone than the person who is supposed to be listening being distracted. When it comes to having a teen’s full/undivided attention, the moments are often few and far between, so when you have those moments, you want to make sure you capitalize on them.

One way to break a teen’s trust and focus is to be distracted while trying to connect. For example, checking your phone mid-conversation with your teen is a form of nonverbal communication that says “I’m not listening” and therefore does the opposite of facilitating a trusting environment.

Another example of unhelpful nonverbal communication is doing other tasks, such as doing dishes, folding clothes, watching TV, etc., while trying to have a conversation with your teen. This invalidates the importance of the topic at hand, and will often make your teen feel unimportant or unheard. 

When Is the Right Time to Talk to Your Teen?

The right time to talk to your teen is really dependent on your own situation; however, there are a few common trends that may work better than others.

For example, knowing when your teen best functions can be key in fostering productive conversation. If your teen is not a morning person, maybe right when they wake up isn’t the best time to ask them about their recent endeavors; or if your teen is extra drained after school, waiting until they’ve had a break and time to recoup may be best.

Ultimately, there isn’t a universal “right time” for everyone, and it’s really dependent on your teen as an individual.  

3 Strategies on How to Talk to a Teenager and Foster Connection

1. Share fun things as well

This is super important for indirectly fostering trust and open communication. Doing things you enjoy together helps build a sense of connection without the pressure of intense, emotionally-driven conversations.

For example, cooking a meal together, going on a walk, taking an art class together, or playing a card game are all activities that may seem simple, but can hold a lot of weight. 

2. Show genuine interest

While, as adults, we may not understand the allure of teen interests, it is important to show we are interested in something because it is important to the teen.

For example, if your teen is engrossed in the latest dating drama at school, be willing to listen to the gossip fully engaged. Another example may be if your teen is into a certain TV show, being willing to watch episodes with them and hear their thoughts.

While the topics your teen is interested in may not be the most appealing to us, the effort will surely be noticed.  

3. Validate their emotions and ask open-ended questions

When it comes to validation, I think a UNICEF article said it best: “Validate what your teen is expressing. This can help teenagers accept their emotions and feel safe to express themselves”.

Using phrases such as “I can see how that would lead to feeling stressed. I’d be stressed too!” or “Wow, that must be so hard. What can I do to help?” allows your teen to feel seen and heard, as well as supported. This will foster a sense of trust and an open line of communication. 

When Should You Consider Professional Help

One overarching sign it is time to seek professional help is when a teen’s safety or well-being is at risk.

As stated by Rachel Ehmke from the Child Mind Institute, “It’s normal for kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental).”

If these noticeable changes occur, offering support to your teen is incredibly important, but noticing if the issues are beyond your bandwidth is also important, and may be an indicator that it’s time to seek professional help.

About the Author: