By Brenda Kendziera, LCPC
Parenting a teenager can be tricky, and your teen is working through something hard too. They’re old enough to start shaping the life they want, and they still aren’t in charge of it. These five tips for parenting teenagers can help ease that push-pull and build a stronger relationship between the two of you.
Key Takeaways
- Harsh reactions from teens are often about a developing brain, not about you.
- Curiosity, listening, and choices build trust while still giving teens the structure they need.
- Small moments of positivity add up, and therapy can help when the tips are hard to put into practice.
I’m Brenda Kendziera, a therapist at Ammirati Counseling Group in Deerfield, Illinois, where I work with teens, parents, and families through teen counseling, family therapy, and parent coaching.
Why Parenting a Teenager Feels Like a Push-Pull
From a parent’s perspective, parenting a teenager can be tricky. You’re handling rapid mood shifts, setting expectations while they want more freedom, getting less time with them because of friends and activities, managing relationship drama, and trying to teach life skills when they just don’t want to hear it.
Now think about it from your teen’s perspective. They’re capable of forming the life they want, and they’re still governed by the adults around them. Teens can finally form their own opinions, back them with values, make choices about their future, and negotiate with people who see things differently. Being told what to do helped at an earlier stage of life, when the world didn’t make sense yet. Now they want guidance that supports what they want for themselves.
That push-pull between needing their parents and wanting their independence can cause rifts between you and your teen. Here are five ways to build a healthier relationship with each other.
1. Don’t Take Harsh Reactions Personally
The reactive, emotional part of our brains develops before the areas that support emotion regulation, decision-making, and planning. So when your teen snaps at you, take a deep breath and remind yourself:
This is the emotion, not me.
Then gently label what you see, model a regulation tool, and offer to revisit the conversation. You might say, “By the tone of your voice, I can hear you’re not in a place to talk right now,” then take a slow, deep breath where your teen can see it, and add, “I’ll come back in 10 minutes to give you some space.” When you return, ask if they’re ready to talk. If not, allow one more break and come back again. Our post on supporting teens during times of heightened emotions has more ideas for these moments.
2. Show Interest in What Matters to Them
Exploring your teen’s interests helps you learn about their inner world, and it shows them they’re important to you. Try starting a conversation or offering to join in:
- What’s something you’re really interested in right now?
- Can you show me what’s been entertaining you recently?
- What have you and your friends been doing, and would you want to try that together?
- What about [their interest] is fun for you?
- Can we try [their interest] together?
Teens want the freedom to express themselves. Just like adults, they enjoy it when the people closest to them are interested in hearing about their hobbies, because it helps them feel important and valued. Get curious about what interests them, even if it isn’t something you’d pick for yourself.
3. Listen Rather Than Control
During adolescence, we explore our identities by branching away from our parents for the first time. That process is encouraged when parents leave room for teens to have ideas, think through concepts, make their own choices, and get comfort when they make mistakes.
Offering a listening ear instead of guidance can feel risky, as if you’re leaving your child open to ignoring core values or making bad choices. What’s happening is that you’re building their trust in you and building their autonomy. Instead of offering suggestions, ask questions that help them explore their thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. Questions that start with what, how, and when keep things open-ended. Your teen will let you know when they need your advice.
This builds your relationship in two ways. You learn who your teen is becoming, and you show them you’ll always be there, even when they mess up. For more on these conversations, see our post on how to talk to a teenager.
4. Set Limits by Offering Choices
Teenagers want to practice their freedom and growing independence, and they still need structure and routine. A large review of 170 studies on routines and child development found that consistent routines were linked to better outcomes in most of the areas studied, including mental health and school performance. You can provide that structure while still giving your teen freedom to make decisions.
Talk with your teen about the routines you’d like to put in place and the routines they’d prefer. Offering choices gives them a sense of control and a chance to advocate for themselves. Say your teen is struggling to finish homework and you’d like a daily routine. You might offer, “Let’s set up a routine for homework so you’re not overwhelmed. Would you like to start right after school or after dinner?” You’ve set the structure and expectations, and your teen gets to choose what it looks like.
5. Find Ways to Bring Positivity
Positivity can take many forms:
- Play music in the morning to make a dreaded part of the day more fun.
- Swap “you need to…” and “you should have…” for “Would you be open to…” or “Can we talk about another way that could’ve been done?”
- Highlight your teen’s accomplishments, especially the ones they’re proud of: “You were so excited for that! I’m so happy for you!” or “It’s fun to watch you enjoy [their interest].”
- Share an appreciation, such as “I appreciate you clearing the table. It took one task off my list.”
- Share an exciting moment from your day or week, or something you’re looking forward to, then ask your teen if they have exciting news too.
When You’d Like More Support
If these tips are hard to put into practice, you’re not alone. Therapy can be a place to explore what’s getting in the way and find realistic strategies that fit you and your family, whether that means teen counseling, family therapy, or parent coaching. If conflict at home has been building, you may also find these strategies for resolving family conflict helpful.
You can schedule a free consultation or call our Deerfield office at (847) 217-9381 to get started.
About the Author:
Brenda Kendziera, LCPC
Brenda is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families find connectedness and growth through a client-centered approach.
With over five years of experience, she specializes in relationship conflicts, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, depression, trauma and PTSD, grief, and parental coaching.